someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
