paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
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I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
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My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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