Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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