Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
