walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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