well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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