I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
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Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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