if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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