i wish my penis had a tongue
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
