The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
