I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Randomize
