She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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