Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
