Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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