last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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