once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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