I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
