I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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