Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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