Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
