ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
