First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
