im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
