Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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