eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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