YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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