No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
