just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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