I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
