Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
