I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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