Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
