I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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