The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
