Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
