it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
