We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
