You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
