I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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