I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.