i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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