Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
