my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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