At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
