Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
