I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
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Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
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It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize