if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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