Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
