she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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