So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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