He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
