I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
