Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i barfeds in our rink
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
