When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
