oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
