A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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