she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
