I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dignity is for republicans.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
