I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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