Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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